Homework in the hunting-gathering age

The other day, I heard a kid complain about waiting a WHOLE FIVE MINUTES for his smart phone’s poky digital response. I sneered a little, thinking of writing class reports in the pre-Google world. Paleolithic-era students, like me, had to forage for information at libraries, not just summon a handheld AI genie who then belched forth facts culled from all human knowledge since the dawn of time.

Pull up a beanbag, sweetie.
Here’s how homework went down when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.

1. Hit the library. No home encyclopedias? Time for a trip to the local library, one per county. (Good luck getting your parents to drive you.) Otherwise, get a hall pass to the school library before, during or after class. If you’re stuck going after school, take the activity bus home, avoiding eye contact with the mean detention kids.

2. Consult the card catalog. Get ready for plenty of drawer-pulling, squatting (the card drawer you need will inevitably be the one closest to the floor), and false leads. You’ll need to know the alphabet, BTW. Beg the librarian for help. Get in line—40 other kids in your class are doing the same report.  

3. Periodical index. For “current affairs” reports, consult massive reference books known as the Periodical Index which reference recent and archived magazines and newspapers. Once you decode the baffling abbreviations, you delve into the backroom stacks for the issue and pray no one has already torn out the article you need. (LIFE, TIME, and, weirdly, Atlantic Monthly, were my high school’s most vandalized sources.)

4. Check out your stuff. Sign your name on the little card and hand it to librarian who stamps it with the due date while shooting you threatening looks.  

5. Sink or skim. At home, scan checked-out material for relevant info, reading much you don’t need.

6. Record all pertinent facts, by author or topic, on 3X5 index cards. One fact per card. Hundreds of them. Not even kidding here.

7. Transfer notes to notebook paper. Oops, out of paper. Beg parents to drive you to drugstore (prehistoric Target).

8. Create an outline, then write your report—by hand. Make any mistakes and you have to start your final copy over.

9. Start over. Blotchy pens, misspellings, miscalculating space for words. It never fails.  

10. Cry. It’s midnight and you’re still not done.

This is why our generation has wrinkles.
And you thought it was sun damage.