How did I launch 5 books in just 1 year?

Like launching an ocean liner, a book launch introduces something new and exciting to a waiting world. Both events include fanfare, anticipation, eager throngs, bottles of bubbly shattered on hulls…oh, hold on, not that last one.

Authors weep with joy when their book launch day arrives.

Unless it’s the OTHER kind of launch.

The kind where disgruntled readers chuck a book across the room in disappointment. I thought I was the only one with actual skid marks on my walls until I checked in with other readers (and authors). Turns out it’s a thing.

Why do some books get the heave-ho?

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing but deep, sincere admiration for writers with the grit and gumption to get their books published. That’s an amazing feat. In some cases, though, a little more research or creativity might have saved a book from an ignominious wall-smashing.

Everyone has their own “this book gets not a single minute more of my brain power” criteria, a final straw that initiates the undesired kind of book launch.

Here’s my preflight checklist, in order of annoyance:

• Time burps

These indigestible historical blunders yank readers right out of a story and give them good reason to distrust the writer. Not sure when Jell-O came on the scene? Did Civil War belles waltz? Just Google it. Authors who skip this simple step should brace themselves for an ensuing flood of emails with all-cap subject lines.

• Typoz Typos

I’ve heard some happy-go-lucky readers make a game out of collecting outlandish typos. But it drives me nuts. Especially since today’s computer bionic built-ins mean you almost have to work at making spelling or grammar errors.

• Austen-O-Rama

Does the world really need another Pride & Prejudice knockoff? The moment I bump into a Mr. Darcy or Mr. Knightly clone, that novel is cleared for takeoff.  

• “Just tell him, for cryin’ out loud!”

If chapter after chapter of chaos hinges on a character’s inexplicable silence when a simple “Oh, that was your SISTER?” would clear things up, it’s game over. I encountered this in a very popular recent release and literally yelled “Why don’t you just TELL HIM?” before throwing the otherwise terrific book against the wall.

• Mutt & Jeff romances

This deal-breaker is probably limited to women like myself who were nearly 6 feet tall in junior high and the stinging social snubbing lingers on. A novel goes airborne for me when the main love story involves a 6’4” hero and an itsy-bitsy heroine.

$1 million Shark Tank winner (satire alert)

In some particularly irritating cases, a simple fiction flinging might not suffice. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a home model of a tee-shirt cannon (you know, the devices that propel souvenir tees into the crowd at rock concerts or hockey games)? I’m sure there are hordes of ready buyers for The Book Blaster.^TM Feel free to steal this idea and let me know when it’s on the market. I’ll be first in line.

Author, heal thyself

Since Jesus warns us we’ll be judged in the same way we judge others (Matthew 7:2), rest assured, dear readers, I’ll be researching the hoo-hah out of my historic romances and outsourcing my editing. You have my promise. I don’t want you to have to send me one of those all-cap emails!  

Mwah!
Marline